


Symptoms of Living

by catwrites



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Chuck Lives, Drift Side Effects, M/M, Post-Operation Pitfall (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 08:16:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10963293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catwrites/pseuds/catwrites
Summary: In which Chuck lives and has to deal with the consequences of it.





	Symptoms of Living

**Author's Note:**

> This story aims to explore some more extreme form of drift side effects.
> 
> Not beta'd

Chuck is able to see the flash of the detonation even through his closed eyelids. He’s aware of it even as Stacker gives him a hard, mental _shove_ , shattering the Drift in the process. The sudden loss of it, the severed connection and resulting hollow feeling, is enough of a distraction that Stacker is able to man-handle him into an escape pod and send him out. 

Chuck doesn’t remember much after that.

\----

Chuck wakes up and everything hurts. There are people everywhere, shouting instructions and prodding him with tools he isn’t sure the use of. He is distantly aware of the sound of helicopter blades. 

He opens his mouth to speak, and can’t stop screaming. 

“Chuck,” Raleigh says urgently, appearing above him, hair wet and still in his drivesuit. “Chuck, you’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

Nothing feels okay. When he finally finds words, the only thing he can think of is Mori. “Where’s Mako?”

Raleigh’s eyebrows draw together in confusion, but Mako appears over his shoulder. “I am here, Chuck. Please don’t scream.”

Raleigh glances over his shoulder at her, before turning back. “Do you remember what happened?”

Chuck nods, breathing in gasps. “Escape pod. Striker blew up.”

“That’s right.” Raleigh hesitates. “Do you know who you are?”

Chuck thinks about that question, and finds he can’t answer it. Perhaps it’s luck he passes out before he can try and figure that out.

\----

Chuck is out for a long time.

When he wake up next, his father is sitting at his bed side. Chuck looks at him, the dark shadows on his face. He looks ragged and tired, but he’s alive, and honestly that’s all Chuck can rightfully ask for.

“Hey,” he says, voice rough. 

Herc sits up straighter, and manages something of a smile. “How ya feeling, kid?” 

“Like I detonated a nuke with myself in the blast radius.”

His father grimaces, and leans back in his seat. Chuck frowns, wanting to apologize for putting that look on his old man’s face, but finds he can’t bring himself to. The truth of the statement is enough to warrant expressing.

Chuck reaches out for his father, and lets him hold tight to the offered hand without complaint. Some things are better left unsaid. 

\----

Mako comes to see him while he’s still on the good stuff in medical. He’s got a list of medical maladies as long as his arm. Broken ribs, punctured lung, mild concussion, and on and on it goes.

He’s sore, physically and mentally, and so, so tired. 

She sits down in the chair at his bedside that Herc uses, and stares at him quietly until he bristles uncomfortably. 

“What?” he snaps, before the lingering pieces of Stacker, let loose in his final moments, flair up and he feels guilty for it.

She’s not his daughter. She’s not his anything, but his chest clenches painfully looking at her anyway.

“You know,” she starts thoughtfully, “not a lot of people get a second chance.”

He was ready for her resentment, but she doesn’t look anything other than contemplative. 

She leans forward, elbows on her knees. “Don’t waste it.”

\----

Herc brings Max in to see him. Chuck loves that damn dog so much sometimes it hurts. Herc, well, he’s coming around to his father.

“The program is being decommissioned now that the war is done. Newt is trying to raise up enough funding to continue his research, but we’ll see,” his father explains while Chuck rubs his hands over Max’s ears.

“And what do you think?” Chuck asks, looking at his father curiously. 

“I don’t know. We always expected there to be a last one, and there never was. I don’t think we can trust that the Breach is closed forever. I think funding research might be important. I’m working on it.”

They talk for a while longer before a harried looking tech comes in. 

“Marshall?” 

“Yes?” the both say, and Chuck winces when both sets of eyes turn to him.

“Sorry. Bring Max back to see me soon, yeah?”

The tech and his father take their concerned faces with them when they go.

\----

Mako stops in again.

“I am sorry, you know,” he says unprompted as they sit together in silence. He hadn’t meant to say it, but he loves her, vicariously, and now parts of him are fighting with the pieces of Stacker. Though, maybe, he’s just sorry for his own sake.

She smiles at him. “Yes, I know.”

He’s not sure which part he’s apologizing for, but he supposes he doesn’t need to specify because really, he’s sorry for all of it.

\----

Chuck is being weaned off the stronger painkillers, and he’s slightly out of it the next time Mako comes in. He’s been doing all right, separating himself from Stacker, but for whatever reason, this one blindsides him.

She opens the door, smiling at him a little.

He’s mostly asleep when he opens his mouth. “You’ve grown so much. I’m proud of you.”

She freezes, eyes wide, before she turns and disappears the way she came. The door slams behind her, and it jars his senses enough that he realizes his mistake.

He curses and lets his head flop back onto the pillow so he can star at the ceiling. 

\----

Raleigh storms in after that slip, looking livid.

“Whatever you’re doing to Mako, you need to stop.”

Chuck snorts, and closes his eyes. He’s way too tired to deal with this shit.

“I’d love to, mate, so if you have any tips on how I can stop ghost drifting with my dead co-pilot, I’m all ears.”

Raleigh is quiet for beat.

“Chuck.”

“Look, I’m tired, yeah? I’d really appreciate it if we could at least pretend to be friends. Or, at the very least, you could pretend you don’t think I’m the kind of asshole that would use information from a drift to fuck with the dead guy’s daughter. I’m an asshole, I won’t argue that, but I’m not that kind. So can we just get along for now? I don’t have the energy for anything else.” 

Raleigh hesitates before he takes a seat in the chair by the bed. “Sorry.”

“I’m really tired, mate.”

“I know. We can be friends, Chuck. We don’t even have to pretend.”

“Thanks. Funnily enough, I don’t have many of those. Even after saving the world.”

Raleigh smiles a little. “We can fix that. Give it time.”

\----

So Chuck and Raleigh work on their friendship. It’s surprisingly easy now that Chuck doesn’t feel the need to compete with the bloke day in and out. 

Mostly, it’s easy because he doesn’t have the energy for anything else.

\----

Being on indefinite medical leave, he and Raleigh have a lot of overlapping free time. It’s mostly by default that they end up spending as much time together as they do. Especially once he’s out of medical and free to wander, with very strict guidelines about taking it easy. Chuck can barely muster up the strength to walk around the Shatterdome most days, though, so the doctors don’t have much to worry about on that front.

Herc has business to attend to, made Marshall in Pentecost’s death. Mako, well Chuck isn’t really sure what Mako is doing, but it requires a lot of her time. Her and Herc spend a good deal of time walking through the halls looking busy and important.

The Shatterdome is quiet, in the early hours of the morning. Raleigh finds him where he’s playing catch with Max in the deserted jaeger bay.

Max takes a second to greet him before demanding Chuck throw the ball again.

Chuck does.

Raleigh sits with him, quietly, and even takes the ball and throws it when Max drops it at his feet instead of Chuck’s.

Mako and Herc come through, waving at the two of them distractedly, before continuing on their way.

Chuck watches them go, eyes drawn helplessly to Mako. He doesn’t even try to sort through the complex tangle of emotions as he follows their progress across the bay until they vanish. 

“How do you do it?”

Raleigh throws the ball. “Do what?”

“Separate yourself out from him.”

Raleigh is quiet. Max drops the ball at his feet and Raleigh picks it up, rolling it between his hands despite the drool coating it. 

“Honestly, Chuck?” Raleigh throws the ball and watches the arc of it before he turns to face him. “Most of the time, I can’t. I guess after a while I just stopped trying.”

Chuck nods shakily, and they go back to their silence. 

\----

Sometimes, Chuck looks at Raleigh and all he can think about is standing in the LOCCENT. His Rangers turn off their comm link, and he can’t reach them. Then, they’re fine, checking in. He’s annoyed, but not displeased, until… 

Yancy was a good kid. Now, he’s down two Rangers. One KIA and one discharged and probably not medically fit on top of it. 

Sometimes, Chuck looks at Raleigh and just wants to see him smile the way he did before. Before Knifehead, with Yancy by his side, walking in perfect sync and getting in trouble left and right. 

It’s a weird place to be, having memories that aren’t his taking up space in his head. Chuck just doesn’t know what to do with them. 

He would blame the burgeoning fondness for Raleigh on Stacker’s memories, but he can’t. If he’s being honest with himself, which he’s trying to make a habit of these days, he’s always been a little fond of Raleigh. Even before Pitfall. 

Every kid has a childhood hero after all. Who didn’t love the Becket brothers? 

\----

“You need to eat,” Raleigh says without looking up from his plate of food. 

Chuck glances at Raleigh from where he’s giving Max scraps.

“Not hungry.”

Raleigh sets his fork down. Chuck shrugs, and resolutely continues shredding bits of meat to give to Max.

“Nothing taste right. You can’t help thinking about the fact that he hated whatever it is, and you can’t tell if you don’t like it anymore because of him or because of yourself,” Raleigh says, voice low.

Chuck slowly turns more towards Raleigh. Chuck thinks about how lean he is. He’s not on rations anymore, but somehow, he just doesn’t seem to put on any weight. 

“You think I don't know?" Raleigh says softly. "Some foods I can't even put in my mouth without gagging. I get it."

Chuck nods slowly. "You get it."

Raleigh pushes his tray away, less than half eaten. 

Chuck frowns. "Okay, let’s make a deal. I'll eat if you do."

Raleigh grins a little. “Deal.”

Chuck offers his hand across the table solemnly. “Gotta shake on it, mate. Ain’t a deal otherwise.” 

Raleigh schools his features and takes the offered hand, amused but serious. “Now it’s a deal.”

\----

Chuck dreams. He dreams of Coyote Tango. Of piloting solo. Of a little girl with a red shoe and tear streaked face. 

He wakes up from those dreams with blood dripping down from his nose. 

He sits up, Max a sleepy lump at his feet, and wipes the blood away with the back of his hand. 

Some things are easier to deal with than others.

\----

He’s playing with Max when he glances at the War Clock, though it’s blank now, and suddenly he’s thinking about giving a speech. He’s looking at himself, standing in the crowd, and he will not kill this kid. He won’t do it. 

He’s lost in that memory, lost in that resolution, and isn’t drawn out until Raleigh is gently holding onto his elbow.

“Chuck?” 

Chuck looks at him, and takes a minute to orient himself. “Yeah?”

Raleigh reaches out, towards his face, and Chuck has to fight the urge to flinch back. He doesn’t think he’s done anything to warrant another broken nose.

Raleigh pauses before gently holding Chuck’s chin so he can study his face.

“Your nose is bleeding.” 

Chuck nods. 

“It does that sometimes.”

Raleigh frowns. “Chuck, have you talked to medical about it?”

Chuck scowls, and pulls his chin out of Raleigh’s grasp. “According to them, I’m having psychosomatic symptoms resulting from the neural transfer that occurred when Stacker forced me out of our drift. The result of which being my brain is having trouble remembering that I’m not the one who piloted solo. Or so they tell me.”

Raleigh doesn’t look thrilled with the answer, but he lets it drop.

Chuck isn’t thrilled with the answer himself, but what more is he supposed to do?

\----

He’s sitting with Mako and Raleigh, chatting over their trays of food, when Newt finds them. He stops at Mako’s side, looking at Chuck and Raleigh, rocking on the balls of his feet. 

Chuck has a bad feeling regarding what’s about to come out of the bloke’s mouth.

“Just the guys I was looking for!” 

“What can we do for you, Newt?” Raleigh asks, looking indulgently amused.

Newt takes that invitation and swings his leg over the bench to take the seat across from them, eyes bright with excitement. Chuck remembers him looking like this when he suggested drifting with a Kaiju. Or Stacker remembers that. Either way, it doesn’t make him feel any less suspicious of Newt’s intentions.

Mako frowns at Newt. “Is this really the best place for this conversation?”

Chuck sits up straighter. “You know what this is about?”

Mako nods sharply, once, before she looks at Raleigh apologetically. 

Raleigh shrugs, unbothered, but Chuck is growing more anxious the further this conversation progresses. 

Newt smiles, oblivious. “No time like the present!”

“Will you just spit it out already?” Chuck demands, holding his fork in a white knuckled grip.

“We’ve got funding for research!” Newt starts. “Part of the research they want done is the way the drift effects the surviving pilot of a jaeger if one dies in action. Obviously, there are only two cases where only one pilot survived.”

Chuck can feel Raleigh tensing up beside him. Chuck thinks of Yancy and the fucking look on Raleigh’s face when he woke up in medical alone that won’t leave his head even though it’s not his memory. 

Newt continues on, unaware as ever to the social cues saying he should stop. “From your medical reports, you both disclosed heavy amounts of ghost drifting, even though the other pilot is deceased.”

Mako glances at Chuck, and Chuck grits his teeth. He’s been trying so hard to keep Mako separated from the borrowed memories he has of her. 

“The information could prove very useful in the future use of the drift technology in other avenues! Plus, it’ll be fascinating to observe your neural pathways and how your brains have been altered by the experience.” 

Raleigh is ramrod straight in his seat, looking passed both Mako and Newt, staring blankly.

Chuck slams his empty palm down on the table, rattling their trays and drawing attention to their conversation. He ignores the questioning looks. “Oi, why don’t you shut up, yeah? It wasn’t just an experience, mate. It was a Goddamn nightmare. You want to just poke around in there and see how it altered us?”

Newt doesn’t look cowed. “Essentially, yes.”

Chuck sneers at him. “Then the answer is no.”

Something on Mako’s face shifts, and Raleigh says, “The funding is conditional on you being able to look into the effects of the drift.”

Mako doesn’t nod, but the silence says enough. 

Raleigh opens his mouth, but Chuck beats him to it. “Okay. I’ll do it. Just me, though. You’ll leave Raleigh out of it.”

“But-“

“No buts. You’ll make that work. Funding be damned. It’s me or it’s neither.”

Newt scrambles to stand. “I’ll make it work. Thanks, man, this is going to be so great.”

Chuck watches his back disappear before turning to Raleigh. “Are you okay?” 

Raleigh nods, clenching his jaw. “You don’t have to do it alone.”

Chuck scoffs. “Bullshit I don’t. I remember what you were like after. I wasn’t there, but I remember. I won’t let you relive it just so those bloody scientists can try and reverse engineer us.”

Raleigh looks like he’s going to argue, so Chuck leans in closer and drops his voice down cajolingly. “Plus, mate, you’ve piloted solo twice now. If they ask us to do even a baseline drift to collect data, we don’t know how that’ll impact you. Let me do this.”

Mako leans across the table. “Chuck is right. It is best if he provides the information they are looking for on his own.”

“But your funding,” Raleigh argues weakly. 

“Do not worry about that. I will negotiate. They cannot argue health of the pilot,” Mako says firmly, standing up from the table. She nods at them both in farewell, before heading off after Newt.

“I guess that’s why she didn’t tell me,” Raleigh says, watching her go.

“Yeah.” Chuck pushes his tray away from himself. 

“Chuck?”

“Hmm?” 

“Thanks.”

Chuck glances at Raleigh and smiles a little. “Nothing to it, mate.”

\----

The first time he heads down to the labs, they do in fact hook him up to a drift simulation with a computer to record brain waves. He stands there while they get it all set up, and when they flip the switch, he slips out of alignment.

He shouldn’t, not with a simulation, but the neural handshake falls apart, and he feels shaky and uncoordinated. He rips himself out of the equipment and lurches the few steps across the room to the trashcan. 

It feels like Pitfall all over again. 

The scientists watch him throw-up, and the dry heaves that follow, until Herc shows up.

“We’ll figure out what happened, make sure it doesn’t again,” Newt says, hiding in the relative safety behind his desk.

“See that you do,” Herc instructs sharply, before returning his attention back to Chuck.

“Come on, son,” Herc says gently, taking Chuck’s arm and steering him out of the labs.

Chuck trusts his father to steer him and just focuses on trying to breathe. 

“I could feel you panicking,” Herc comments, carefully ushering Chuck along.

“I wasn’t in alignment. It was like getting shoved out of the drift.”

Herc nods, face pinched. “I’ll talk to them and make sure they figure that shit out before they ask you to try again.”

Chuck doesn’t want to think about trying again, but he nods shakily anyway. “Okay.”

Herc leads him back to his bunk, and gets him settled down on his bed. Max is a comforting weight at the foot of it.

Chuck curls up under the covers, and doesn’t complain about the fingers Herc cards through his hair before heading for the door.

Suddenly, he’s thinking of Stacker’s desperate last thought of Mako. About hoping she knew.

“Dad?” Chuck sounds anxious even to his own ears, and Herc pauses with his hand on the door.

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

Chuck hopes he can tell he means for more than today. 

Herc turns fully to look at him, eyes wide, and Chuck knows he gets it. “Of course, Chuck. You’re my son. I’ll always come get you.”

Chuck nods, and lets them both pretend that Herc’s voice isn’t as gruff as it is.

\----

Chuck sleeps through the afternoon. He’s still feeling muzzy when he rolls out of bed to take Max for his walk, but he feels better than he did.

Mako catches him on his way back in.

“Your father told me about what happened today.”

Chuck shrugs uncomfortably. 

“I have spoken with Newton and Hermann to inform them that such mistakes will not be tolerated.” 

Chuck eyes her, and she smiles. 

“It will not happen again,” she assures him.

Chuck nods, and doesn’t want to know what she said to them to ensure that. 

“Thanks Mako.”

Mako smiles again, and then turns off down another corridor to attend to whatever business she seems to always have. 

Raleigh falls into step with him not even a minute later.

“Did you two plan that?”

Raleigh’s eyebrows draw together in genuine confusion. “What?”

“Never mind.” 

Raleigh walks with him quietly to the mess. 

Chuck lets the silence settle over them comfortably, and bumps gently into Raleigh’s shoulder with a small smile. 

Raleigh rolls his eyes, but grins back, and Chuck finally feels settled after his disastrous morning.

\----

Chuck steps into the labs skeptically three days later.

“I’ve been told that I’m supposed to apologize for what occurred last time, and thank you once again for agreeing to be a part of our research, and assure you that we’ve fixed the issue and you won’t go out of alignment again,” Newt says, looking over to Gottlieb for approval. 

“Whatever, mate, can we just get this over with please?”

Newt nods excitedly and beings hooking him up to the same machine from last time. Chuck tries not to let his apprehension show, and stands rigid while Newt attaches wires to his head.

“Okay,” Newt says, stepping back. “Once again, we’re just trying to get a baseline reading first. Despite my desire otherwise, that’s all we’ll do today.”

“Fine,” Chuck agrees, and Newt moves around back to his control panel. 

Newt flips the switch. 

_He’s a little boy in Sydney, playing in the backyard._

_He’s standing with his father, waiting for news on his mother._

_He’s piloting a jaeger, and it doesn’t matter which one it is. They’re all the same, in the end._

_He’s in the streets of Tokyo._

_He’s in the LOCCENT and Raleigh and Yancy Becket are disobeying orders. He’s in the LOCCENT, watching himself pilot Striker with his father. Watching himself shoot a flare into Leatherback’s eye._

_He’s also watching himself in the mess, talking to Raleigh for the first time._

_He’s feeling his broken collarbone, and there’s a solid pit of dread in his stomach knowing his son will be the one who isn’t coming back._

_He’s wondering where he went wrong._

_He’s shoving himself out of a drift, and into an escape pod, because he won’t be responsible for the death of his friend’s son._

He surfaces, and Newt is standing at the monitors, watching the information displayed there. 

“Fascinating. Hermann! There are three distinct brain wave patterns coming through.”

Chuck shakes his head to clear it. The scientists aren’t paying him any attention, and Chuck struggles to stay in the present. He’s not going to chase any RABBITs here. Not his own, not his father’s, and definitely not Stacker’s.

He focuses on Newt talking excitedly, and though he doesn’t understand all of what’s being said, it helps. Eventually, Newt turns to him and nods in approval.

“We’ll take these are our baselines. Thanks, Chuck.”

Chuck doesn’t necessarily run once he’s free to leave, but he definitely gets out pretty quickly.

\----

His second session, he chases. 

_He’s standing in the LOCCENT, leaning over Tendo’s shoulder._

_“Rangers, get out of there,” he says, but Knifehead is launching out of the water, and he’s helpless to do anything but watch the displays._

_Then, he’s waiting in medical with Raleigh Becket a mess on the operating table. Raleigh wakes up once, twice, three times, and every single one of them, his voice is high and frantic._

_“Yancy?”_

_He doesn’t want to be the one to tell Raleigh. He doesn’t want to put that look on Raleigh’s face. That’s his_ job _though. He’s the Marshall_.

“-Chuck.” 

Chuck feels the drift fall into place, and he’s back in the present. His knees go weak, but someone catches a hold of his arm and keeps him up.

“Chuck!” 

Chuck’s attention snaps to Raleigh’s concerned face. He can feel blood dripping down from his nose. 

“Becket?”

“Christ. Newt, get him out of these fucking wires. How long were you going to let that go on?” 

“We were carefully monitoring his condition,” Gottlieb says guiltily to Raleigh.

“We would never intentionally endanger him. He was just chasing something pretty hard,” Newt adds helpfully.

Raleigh scoffs. “Get him out of the equipment, Newt.”

Raleigh still has a strong hold on his arm, and Chuck sags into the support as Newt bustles into sight. 

No one mentions that he shouldn’t be able to chase a RABBIT like that when he’s only drifting with a simulation.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. Chuck, you’re fine.”

Chuck doesn’t feel fine. 

\----

Mostly, see, Chuck is tired of feeling like he’s not alone is his own head anymore. 

He was used to that with his father. Ghost drifting isn’t uncommon, but these persistent, invasive memories are something else. He hasn’t ghost drifted with his father since Pitfall except the once with his first failed attempt to drift with the simulation. 

Newt has a working theory about extra thoughts and memories passing over with the way the drift cut off so abruptly with Stacker, but for more information to come, they need more data. 

Chuck has been reluctant to go in again, and there’s only so much they can gather form one subject. 

He just wants to be able to stay in himself for a day. To know who he is for just one fucking day.

Raleigh is unfailingly sympathetic to that. “When I first woke up after Knifehead, I spent the first three hours as Yancy.”

Chuck can only imagine how much harder it would be to separate himself out from someone he’d drifted with numerous times, someone with shared life experiences and memories. The scars that must be left when someone actually dies in his head. Those are probably the kind of scars that send you away to work construction on a Wall you know won’t work.

He’s lucky in that way, he guesses. 

\----

Mako corners him before his next set appointment with Newt and Hermann. 

“I told Raleigh that they would not argue health of the pilot. That goes for you too, Chuck.”

Chuck thinks about the blood dripping from his nose.

“It’s okay, Mako. I want answers, too, yeah?”

Mako looks at him, sharp and steady. “Do not lie to me, Chuck Hansen.”

Chuck doesn’t cave under her assessing gaze, though it’s a near thing.

“If that changes, you’ll be the first to know, yeah?”

\----

Raleigh accompanies him to the next session. 

Chuck puts up a preliminary protest, but lets it drop pretty quickly.

“I’m not letting you do this unsupervised anymore.”

“Newt is there.”

“Like I said, I’m not letting you do this unsupervised. If I hadn’t come in when I did last time, what would have happened?”

Chuck doesn’t know, and he honestly doesn’t want to either.

\----

Raleigh watches him quietly as he tears apart his room in anger.

“I hate this,” he seethes, throwing a tin cup he had sitting on his bedside table. It hits the wall with a metallic clang before it clatters to the floor. 

Raleigh doesn’t even flinch.

“I know,” Raleigh says calmly. 

Raleigh’s easy acceptance of everything makes Chuck irrationally angrier. 

“You know? How can you just deal with it, then? Some other bloke in your head. How do you just fucking sit there, all serene and shit, like everything is okay?”

“What else do you want me to do, Chuck? Just give up? Fucking lose myself to it?” Raleigh asks, voice rising. 

Chuck thinks, Good. Be mad.

“I don’t fucking know!” 

Chuck throws two books and an old picture frame to punctuate this. He listens to the glass shatter, but it doesn’t feel as satisfying as he wants it to.

“I don’t know. I just want it to stop.”

Raleigh stands up from where he was sitting on Chuck’s bed, and comes over to him slowly. When Raleigh reaches from him, Chuck doesn’t move away.

Raleigh’s fingers trail from his wrist, up his arm, until his palm rest on the side of Chuck’s neck. 

“You’re okay, Chuck. You’ll get better.”

Chuck does the only thing that makes sense to him.

Raleigh makes a noise of surprise when Chuck leans in and kisses him, but he doesn’t push him away. The hand that’s on his neck moves up to cradle the back of his head. Chuck steps in closer, his own hands settling onto Raleigh’s hips.

Raleigh is gentle with him, keeping the kiss slow and languid. When Chuck tries to speed things up, Raleigh pulls back a little until Chuck gives in and follows his lead. 

Chuck doesn’t know how long the kiss lasts, but eventually Raleigh pulls away enough to speak.

“What are we doing, Chuck?”

Chuck leans forward, brushing his lips against Raleigh’s.

“Thought that was obvious, mate.”

Raleigh lets himself be drawn into another kiss. “Okay.”

“Okay?” 

Raleigh gently tugs Chuck back towards the bed. 

That’s answer enough for Chuck.

\----

Chuck wakes up alone. 

He reaches out for Raleigh, and finds nothing but cold sheets. He sits up blearily.

“Raleigh?” 

The room is empty though. 

Chuck’s stomach sinks, but he gets up and dresses, hoping that it isn’t want it looks like.

Chuck should know he’s never that lucky.

\----

Raleigh says, “We can’t do that again.”

Raleigh says, “I can’t just be a distraction to keep you in the present. I’ve tried that trick before, and it never works out for anyone involved.”

Raleigh says, “I really like you, Chuck, but I can’t be that for you.”

Chuck says, “Fuck you, if that’s all you think it was. Fuck you.”

It was nice having friends while it lasted.

\----

Chuck’s new schedule looks like this: wake up, walk Max, eat breakfast alone, play with Max in the empty jaeger bay, walk Max again, eat dinner with his father, hide in his room, sleep, repeat. 

He has sessions with Newt and Hermann twice a week, but doesn’t tell Raleigh when. In his attempt to be honest with himself, he doesn’t deny the fact he’s so eager to help with the research in the hope he can find some fix so Raleigh will know he’s more than just a distraction. 

So twice a week, he goes and chases RABBITs that aren’t his.

His father knows something is wrong, but he doesn’t ask and Chuck doesn’t tell. They’re closer now than they were, but Chuck isn’t going to embarrass himself asking for advice about a boy.

He doesn’t talk to Raleigh at all. 

Mako isn’t talking to either of them, from what Chuck can tell. 

He wonders what Raleigh told her. He wonders what she knew on her own.

\---- 

Things come to a head a week and a half after Chuck last spoke to Raleigh. 

Newt hooks him up to the computer.

Newt says, “Ready to engage drift?”

Chuck says, “Get on with it, mate. I don’t have all day.”

Newt flips the switch.

It starts fine, it starts normal, but then he finds himself fixed on one of Newt’s tattoos, and he’s

_Standing in Striker, looking at himself. He’s saying, “It’s been a pleasure serving with you, sir.”_

_His chest hurts, thinking about his friend standing in the LOCCENT as his son is prepared to die. His friend knowing that his son won’t come back, while his own daughter still has a chance. While his daughter might actually make it._

_He looks at himself, at the grim determination there, and he hopes that this kid makes it. This kid, who is so brave and willing to sacrifice himself for a chance that someone else can finish their mission._

_He thinks about Herc Hansen, and as a father himself, he can’t do it. He won’t do it. He won’t let Kaiju take the man’s son after they already took his wife._

_Mako might make it, and he needs someone to tell her that he’s proud of her. That he loved her._

_He shoves hard against the other presence in his mind, shatters the drift. It hurts like he didn’t expect, shattering a drift on purpose._

_He’s in the escape pod, and he can see the detonation through his closed eyes. Everything hurts, but nothing hurts worse than his head, pulse pounding in his temples and a gaping hole where Stacker just ripped himself apart._

Things go dark.

When he opens his eyes, Newt is cowering behind his desk while Herc shouts up a storm. Raleigh is on his knees, at Chuck’s side, fingers digging painfully into Chuck’s neck to get a pulse. Chuck isn’t sure when they showed up, or when he ended up on the floor.

“-project is done! You’ve failed in reporting crucial information to your superiors, and in doing so continued to put your subject in physical and mental danger.” 

“Herc, I think he’s coming around,” Raleigh calls over his shoulder.

Chuck tries to sit up as Herc whips around and makes a beeline for them, but Raleigh halts him with a hand to his chest. 

“Just stay down, Chuck. You’re okay. We’ve got you.”

Chuck reaches up and tentatively touches his upper lip. His fingers come away red. He can taste blood in his mouth.

Mako storms in with a small herd of doctors on her tail. Chuck reaches out and grabs for his father’s hand with one and Raleigh’s with the other. He isn’t entirely sure which one of them is holding his bloody fingers, but neither seem too concerned. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, though he doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for or to who.

“It’s okay, son. You didn’t do anything.” Herc shifts to allow the medics through, but doesn’t move out of range of Chuck’s tight grip.

The medics load him up on a stretcher, and Chuck loses time after that.

\----

The next things he’s aware of is Raleigh at his bedside in medical.

Chuck flops back into his pillows.

“Not this fucking place again.”

Raleigh cracks a smile that last all of two seconds before he looks grim again.

“How are you feeling?”

Chuck thinks about that. “Honestly, I’ve got a killer headache, but everything else feels okay.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were still doing those sessions? I told you I didn’t want you to go alone.”

Chuck scoffs. “Look mate, you weren’t interested in what I have to offer, so I wasn’t going to hang around, yeah? I’d embarrassed myself enough.”

Raleigh looks at him. “What? Never mind, we’ll come back to that. You could have had someone else go with you.”

“What part of me not having friends did you forget? There was no one else!”

Raleigh frowns before looking away. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity. I don’t need you to be my friend again just because I’m back in this damn bed.”

Raleigh jolts, and turns wide eyes onto Chuck. “Chuck, I never stopped being your friend.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“I was giving you space! I was trying not to confuse you more.”

Chuck scowls at him. “I wasn’t confused! I like you, I kissed you, you kissed me back, we slept together, and then you fucking left and told me we couldn’t do that anymore. I took that for the rejection it was and made myself scarce. I can take a hint.” 

Raleigh opens and closes his mouth several times before he says slowly, “I didn’t want to just be some distraction for you to help with the memories.”

“If that’s all it had been, I wouldn’t have risked one of the only fucking friendships I had. I’m not a bloody masochist.”

Raleigh’s eyebrows draw together. “So… you like me.”

“How are you this dense? Yes, I like you, you wanker.” 

Raleigh is quiet for a second, before he smiles. 

“I like you too, you know.”

“I do now, you idiot.”

Chuck grins a little. “Seems we could have saved ourselves some trouble if we’d talked afterwards.”

Raleigh laughs and holds out his hand. Chuk rolls his eyes before taking it.

“Yeah, seems so.”

\----

Newt and Hermann both show up at their table the day he’s released from medical. 

“We would like to apologize for the strain we placed you under in order to gather our data. The Marshall has informed us that we are to continue our research with the data we already collected,” Hermann says, though he looks unhappy with it.

“Mako has guaranteed that our funding will continue unaffected,” Newt adds, smiling at her.

She grins at him, and he blanches. 

“Right. Sorry again, Chuck. Thanks for helping us.”

They make a hasty retreat after that. Or as hasty of one as they can make with Hermann limping along with his cane. 

“Thanks,” Chuck says to Mako.

Mako smiles at him softly. “You’re welcome.”

Raleigh squeezes Chuck’s thigh gently, smiling at him too. 

“They’ll figure out something, but until then, we’ll get through it.”

Chuck nods. “Yeah. Yeah, yeah we will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments welcomed!


End file.
